The end is only the beginning.

I never thought this day would come, it is the end of my therapy journey.  I have so many mixed emotions about this, I have been in therapy since my son was a month old. I got sever postpartum depression and anxiety. I was afraid to hold him, feed him, change his diaper, basically anything that involved me being alone with him.  I was so scared I would hurt him or that he would end up choking on his own vomit (he had reflex ). My grandfather choked on some OJ that I got for him before he passed away and I kept picturing my son choking and falling into a coma, as my granddad did.  Now I know that the two have no connection with each other, my granddad had cancer and was in the last stages of his life. My son was just a new born with a very common problem that he grew out of with the help of Dr. Wilson, but in my eyes I couldn’t distinguished the two apart. But lets be honest I should have gone to therapy a long time ago but my son gave me just the push I needed.

I met my therapist Thia-Ann when I was pregnant at an event called BLOOM hosted by OKC Moms Blog. As an expecting new mom that had no earthly idea what to expect once I delivered, I am so happy I attended this event, it was so beneficial. I met my therapist, there , my chiropractor Dr. Wilson who helped my son with his reflex issues, and I was introduced to Thrive Mama Collective where I attend  monthly moms support group that has saved me! I highly recommend anyone who is pregnant or a new mom to attend this event ( I believe the next one is in May).

I began therapy when my son was about a month old and it was the best thing I could have done as a new mom, not only for my son but for myself. I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions, I had waves of anxiety that overtook my body mind and soul and floods of depression that filled my heart with sadness, angry and  regret.

I was anxious about every little thing you could possibly image even things that were so far stretch from the imagination I was convinced that if I didn’t keep an eye on my son 24/7 something bad was going to happen.  I downloaded an app on my phone and tracked every diaper whether it was poopy or not ,every feeding he had even how many naps he took and how long he slept. I was so obsessed with making sure that I knew every single detail about my sons life that I didn’t sleep, when my son slept I just watched him breath. I was constantly googling things, that is the worse thing you can do as a new mom! I was literally driving myself crazy. When I wasn’t anxious I was depressed and when I wasn’t depressed I was anxious. I felt like such a failure as a mother. I felt as if I let my son down so many times that he was better off not having me be his mom. I let him down when I couldn’t deliver him and had to have a C-Section and then I let him down again when I decided to stop breastfeeding and formula feed. I was just a constant failure and if you know me you know I am a type A person that doesn’t like to fail, but here I was failing at motherhood the most important job of my life. Everyone else seemed to be so cool calm and collected around my son but me. My husband he was born to be a dad, he was changing diaper, feeding him doing all the things with no problem, while I was a hot mess taking literally forever to change a diaper when my husband did it in two seconds. I thought to myself he didn’t need me around, I could just pack a bag and leave, go somewhere that no one knows me and start all over again. I really did think that it was the best thing for my son. In my mind I saw myself screwing it all up and thinking I can’t do this to my innocent little boy, I can’t keep mess up his life for the next 18 plus years.

I finally listened to my husband (he was right for once lol) and booked my therapy appointment. I am so glad I did, because therapy saved my life! I began to see Thia-Ann when my son was a month old she has a different way of doing therapy, it is not the conventional lets sit and talk about your feelings. Although, we did do a lot of talking about my feelings. She taught me to honor my anxiety and depression, because without them I wouldn’t be me. I learned to honor all the feelings I had about motherhood and in result I became the best version of myself. My son is 9 months old now, I never thought I would see the day that I felt comfortable and confident with myself as a woman and a mom. The bond I have with him now is so indescribable that I can’t explain it. He knows I am his mama and I am his ultimate protector.

As corny as this sounds I found myself when I became his mom, I learned how to stand up for him and in result I now stand up for myself. I am no longer the push over that I was before him and I no longer invest my time and energy in things that don’t fill my soul with happiness. I want to be the best version of myself for him, he deserves a mom he can brag about. Before I do anything I think to myself, “will this benefit my son”, if the answer is no then I don’t even entertain the though.

I hope this reaches at least one mama that is going through a rough time and I hope that she knows that it does get better I promise it does! Please if you are feeling anything like I did seek help, talk to a friend, talk to me but whatever you do don’t feel ashamed of your feeling and don’t hide them.

Below are the links of helpful resources

  •  OKC Moms blog has a lot of helpful information for moms

https://oklahomacity.citymomsblog.com/

  • My therapist Thia-An

https://www.lastingchangetherapy.com/

  • Chiropractor that helped with my sons reflex

https://www.wilsonchirookc.com/

  • Thrive Mama has all sorts of helpful resources for new moms from lactation support to a moms group ( this is where I found my tribe)

https://thrivemamacollective.com/

Peace&Love,

Joanna H.

 

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