July 1st ,2018 was a day that changed my life forever, I gained a new title, mom. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy he is 8 pounds 8 ounces 21 inches long of per perfection. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was full of fears and anxiety. I always thought that I would just be the cool aunt, I love kids but I also love to give them back to their parents once they get annoying lol . I kept telling myself how will I take care of a child if I have never in my entire life have changed diaper or even given a baby a bottle. Everyone reassured me that once my child was here I would know what to do, that my “motherly” instinct would kick in and I would get the hang of things. I did my research, I read every book that I could get my hands on I wanted to be prepared for everything from birth, breastfeeding, to the early stages of his life. Well, let me just say that it doesn’t matter how many books I read how much research I did nothing went as I had “planned”. I wasn’t prepared for what was coming.
My husband and I woke up early on June 30th, we were so anxious to head to the hospital I was going to be induced and we were finally going to meet our baby boy. The whole induction processes went smoothly. I was dilating fast and the doctor predicted that I was going to have my son by the end of the day. I was in labor for eighteen hours and pushed for five hours but he was stuck in my pelvic bone. I wanted to deliver vaginally, I did not want a C-section I kept begging my doctor to let me push. The baby was looking great his heart rate was perfect so she let me push and push and push for five hours. Then I heard those dreaded words c-section. She came to my bedside and explained to me that the baby was stuck and I was pushing and giving it my all but she made the best decision for me and my baby it was C-section time. I instantly panicked, I remember crying and shaking uncontrollably. This wasn’t part of my plan I wanted to push, I didn’t want to have surgery , I wanted to hold my baby as soon as he was born and breastfeed, I didn’t want to be strapped down to a table. I ate healthy , I walked everyday I bounced on my yoga ball every single day but all of that was irrelevant. The baby needed to come out and the only way to do that was this way. It wasn’t about what I wanted, what I had planned anymore it was all about him. As they wheeled me into the cold operating room I was sobbing, I was scared I would feel them cutting into me I was just terrified. The moment my husband walked in I felt some relief (he is my hero and my comfort blanket) he’s the only one that can keep me calm in situations like this. The whole procedure took around thirty minutes maybe even less. It was awful, I was lightheaded, I wanted to throw up I couldn’t feel my lips and cheeks at one point. I had a major panic attack as the doctor was preforming the procedure. But the moment that I heard that little cry I felt all better I forgot everything and tears of joy streamed down my face. I was finally a mom, a ,mom to a beautiful baby boy. He stole my heart from the moment I saw him, just like his daddy.
The worse part of this whole experience was not being able to take care of my son, the first two days my husband did all the feeding, diaper changes and rocked him to sleep. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t get up and honestly I didn’t want to get up. I pushed for a good solid five hours and then had a C-section so I was hurting everywhere! That is where my postpartum depression started, I wasn’t able to get up and take care of my son, I couldn’t feed him (breastfeeding was so painful) I couldn’t change his diaper, I couldn’t comfort him when he was fussy. I felt like the worse mom on the planet. The one thing that really got me down was deciding not to breastfeed him. I tried everything, I called a lactation consultant that came did a home visit and helped me for three hours with breastfeeding. It was all great while she was here, I was still in a little pain and discomfort as I fed him but I thought it would go away as I healed. Well, every time I fed him it didn’t go away. I could feel my abdominal muscles being pulled my stomach getting tighter and tighter the longer I fed him it was all just to much on my incision. I was in so much pain and getting so much anxiety because I thought he wasn’t getting enough food since we were supplementing with formula,(he was getting an upset tummy) that I finally gave up and went to formula full time. I was so relieved my anxiety calmed down and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I stopped crying so much and enjoyed feeding time with my son. I was scared that I wasn’t going to be able to form the special bond that I hear all these breastfeeding moms talk about, I was disappointed in myself for a few days. But my son and I are going to be just fine, we already have a special bond. He is fed, loved and cared for and that is the most important thing. Oh, this little boy is loved by so many people, we just cant get enough of him and his cuteness. As I am recovery from the intense birth I went through I have learned to keep an open mind, it doesn’t matter how many books I read, classes I took and google searches things don’t always go as planned. I am still an emotional mess, I cry for no reason sometimes and all the things I said I wouldn’t do such as formula feed and pacifiers I am doing. I guess I don’t fit into the “crunchy” mom club, I am more of a go with the flow type of mom now and I am okay with that. I still like to eat organic products and locally grown food when possible but I also like Cheetos because well, I am human.
Peace & Love ,
One Comment Add yours
No one in my mums family has breastfed and the bond is still there dont worry! The bond comes out of the love, and its so clea that you love your son more than anything. Sometimes everyone needs a time to cry it out. Being a mom is stressful, especially with the first! Take it all step by step and dont forget to breathe!!! I cant wait to hear more of your experiences!