I close my eyes as the wind hits my face, bugs flying into my hair and for a moment in time I forget what is making me sad, I forget what I am stressing about what is making me have all this anxiety and for a brief moment I am still and not thinking about anything. I am present in the moment and for that split second  I am “normal”. Then I open my eyes and all of my these overwhelming feeling rush back into my head like an avalanche and I am filled with anxiety once again.

What is normal?

What is your definition of “normal”? When we are younger we are told that if we go to school, graduate, go to college, then graduate we will be able to live the “dream”. What dream is this that people are talking about? Is working forty plus hours a week making someone else rich considered normal, not having the energy to do the things you like normal, is living for the weekend normal? We are told to basically live like robots, get a job, get married, have kids, 401K, have investments , save for when we are old and then we die. I think its time we start defining what our normal is to us. Some people die with dreams, some dream of going to college but don’t for the fear of failing out or not having the means to pay for it, some dream of owning a business and never take the leap for the fear of failing. There is always going to be fears and negative people telling you its a stupid thing to do. I’ve heard this before “there is not point in going to college just go work”, you are just wasting your time and money.  “You would be crazy to start your own business in this economy, your job is safe, just stay there.” But that’s exactly it, only crazy people actually do what they have always dreamed of and only the crazy people actually make it. The worse thing anyone can do is have negative thoughts and scare themselves out of their dream. What everyone else says is just background noise, who cares about the opinions of others. Right?

My life didn’t turn out as planned and that’s okay.

My dad once told me out of a thousand plans that we make for our life, we are lucky if five of them actually turn out as we planned them. Boy was he right, my dad is always right, he is such a wise man! Everyone always put a lot of pressure on me growing up and expected me to do this or that, be this person be that person. I was told who to be  and how to act before I could figure out who I was. I was expected to make good grade, go to college, don’t get pregnant before marriage, don’t get arrested, stay out of trouble, basically be a perfect little girl. I hate all of the pressure parents and society in general place on the oldest child, like if I fuck up then its an open invitation for my siblings and younger cousins to fuck up too. Oh the pressure…don’t we all have our own brain at the end of the day?? Its not my fault if you drop out of school, or if you get knocked up before marriage…. oh but wait…some how it was, I was suppose to be setting the example. I did what I was suppose to do , get married, finish college , get a Monday-Friday job, get a house, blah blah blah. Now the pressure is on to have kids, what if I don’t want to have any kids, is that such a bad thing, will my life not be as fulfilled as those with children? What if I do want kids and I want to be a working mom will I suddenly be labeled as a bad mother, or if I decided to stop working and become a stay at home mom, will my education be for nothing. All those years in college wasted. I never thought that in my late twenties I would still have all these questions and not have my life together, I am a total mess. I pictured myself as a teacher, by this age pregnant and just having a jolly ol time.  Well the joke is on me , I do have some pretty cool dogs though.

I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life, career wise, or if and when I want to have little humans of my own. I don’t even know where I will be six months from now, I could completely change my mind and quit my job, get pregnant and become a stay at home mom or never have kids and go into the corporate world and see where it takes me. Who really knows, how many of your plans actually worked out, are you where you pictured yourself to be?

I have so many questions so many uncertainties right now. I am trying to be okay with all of this and rediscovering who I am and what I want to do with my life. For the first time in a long time, perhaps my entire life. I can actually decide what I want and where I want to end up. I have one person and one person only to thank for that–my husband. Ever since I got married four years ago, I have heard multiple family members tell me, you aren’t the same, you’re not the Joanna we knew. Well, let me break it to you, I am finally me, I don’t have anyone telling me how to be or the pressure of being a perfect daughter, sister and just person in general. This is a little overwhelming because my whole life I’ve had someone telling me to be a certain way and do certain things and now I don’t. I can chose to be whoever I want and do whatever I want. I can finally breath.

Peace & Love

Joanna H.